I read "All About Love" by bell hooks
Love a stranger with no forwarding address
I didn’t wholly go into this book not knowing its contents. I’ve seen people’s reactions to reading this book. Passionate as they describe how they wish it could be erased from their knowledge to experience its literary greatness for the first time again with fresh eyes. I was intrigued when it was announced as a choice as the July read for Tender Philosophia’s Book Club. Voting for it immediately and purchasing the text from Half price books as soon as I was able.
I can say after finishing it that it is that life-changing. Although some thought processes are not new and only add context. I saw it more as a tool to measure past and present experiences that you’ve had or witnessed in those around you. This book does not act as a guide on how to steer love in your direction. It is more of a guided museum tour and walkthrough on why access to love is stifled, whether that’s through childhood and development or the capitalistic cog in the machine that churns out the ideals centered on love. I read this while taking two sociology courses this summer and I think with that lens it added a more rounded explanation.
Debating tossing it (no not really)
I can see myself perceiving love differently. Taking the time to appreciate the positive forms it has taken shape in and find joy in the authentic. From the first page, there was this calming energy emitting from it. Safe before the destruction of removing the rose-colored glasses and making you aware of the perception of love, the tragedy in love, and the misuse of love. From the Introduction I had a pen in hand to annotate. My annotations took on a shape of their own, forming into a one-on-one conversation with bell hooks and the authors she decided to pull from. Reading the text out loud during some points filled the void of silence that surrounded the words that were not mine but echoed the thoughts that moved within me.
Not to spoil it in its entirety but I wanted to share a few quotes that stuck with me like an unsheathed dagger stuffed between my ribs.
“…to speak of the ultimate and real need in every human being…To have faith in the possibility of love as a social and not only exceptional-individual phenomenon is a rational faith..”(92).
“Love is an action, a participatory emotion. Whether we are engaged in a process of self-love or of loving others we must move beyond the realm of feeling to actualize love”(165).
“The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies”(178).
“We sacrifice our old selves in order to be changed by love and we surrender to the power of the new self”(188).
Seeing my feelings and similar sentiments on the page scared me and simultaneously drew me in because of the truths it unabashedly covers within a short amount of time (237 pages to be exact). In the spaces between the lines, I saw a broken heart full of the exact yearning I both run towards, and away from.
image of a cherub cupid aiming at a giant red heart. Text below reading: "A victim, I, of Cupids aim, His target was this heart of mine. 'Twill heal the wound & still the pain. If you will be my Valentine" art from: Library of Virginia (sourced from pinterest).
An excerpt reminded me of a conversation had with my stepdad. In which he described my dating life as one where I harbored unrealistic expectations. That I float through that aspect of life and expect someone to waltz in, take me by the hand, and whisk me away. And that a major issue of mine for that area of my life could be described as, “living in a fantasy”.
His statement, and ones I have heard and engaged with when speaking on the journey of finding the illusive “it”, or allowing it to find you, were echoed in the sentiments highlighted in Chapter 10: Romance: Sweet Love which features Thomas Mertons’ essay “Love and Need”, where he states how, “The expression to ‘fall in love’ reflects a particular attitude towards love and life itself—a mixture of fear, awe, fascination, and confusion”(171, Merton). bell hooks adds, “If you do not know what to feel, then it is difficult to choose love; it is better to fall. Then you do not have to be responsible for your actions… We continue to invest in the fantasy of effortless union. We continue to believe we are swept away, caught up in the rapture”. (171, hooks).1
This page in particular is the most annotated in my copy. I agree that those contradictory emotions only add to the separation, closeness, distance, and disdain toward love. It’s either too far away, non-existent, a constant reminder that it isn’t right in front of you, or something you can partake in. I also rage at the simplistic nature of these authors’ conclusions. Knowing past present and future outcomes has almost made navigating this concept and the actions out of reach. But the fantasy in some cases is the only saving grace to believe in love. In its capabilities, presence, and the magic that is associated with it.
Traumatic instances pushed me further away and twisted the concept of love. Finding myself surrounded by the comforting world of romcoms and movies with main characters that stayed on the screen. Where they can’t disappoint you, or harm you. The downside is they don’t exist. Only truly understanding a love steeped in fiction makes real-world interactions feel inferior or incorrect. Not magical enough, or lacking the depth young me dreamed about for my happily ever after.
I do find myself wandering to the fantastical. I dream in technicolor. A hopeful romantic if you will. I have experienced the healthy love people speak about, the love hooks speaks about has been found in the uplifting friendships I’ve had the chance to surround myself with. A major aspect of those relationships and ones in romance deals with levels of vulnerability. So I’ll continue to mail those letters, keeping my heart open and understanding. Who knows maybe I’ll send one to you.
art by: Schinako Moriyama
Have you read All About Love, or other works by bell hooks?
Thank you for reading!!
-Taylin <3
References: All About Love by bell hooks